| Swinging: Online and Off |
Note: My curiosity was aroused as a result of a feedback from a reader. Actually, it was the email address of the couple that caught my eye and prompted me, in my response, to ask a question. They were kind enough to reply and that was my introduction to online swinging. Prior to that, I had been aware of magazines from hanging around adult bookstores that connected people, but had never heard of it online. It shouldn't have come as a surprise in this day and age, but after finding these folks had belonged to several sites over the years, I sought their opinion as to the best one in the cyberworld and signed up for a 30 day free membership. It was fascinating enough that for a nominal fee, I joined for six months. It's been more than interesting to say the least.
What follows are observations, information and some rules I've been able to garner from communicating with folks that belong to the one I joined and from doing a little research. Keep in mind I write as a novice in this area, but much of it is common sense. The most important thing being your, and your partner's, if you have one, views on swinging to begin with. Although we are a couple, this is written from the male perspective while keeping in mind we are partners in life. It is my no means intended to be an exhaustive study, just a primer at best.
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After receiving the email referred to above from a couple, I joined an online swing club. A short time later I read an article about nude recreational activities sweeping the nation and another about the attempt by Las Vegas to shed it's self-imposed image as a Disneyesque family destination. Apparently the family approach wasn't working and now the convention bureau touts the no-holds barred approach it became famous for landing it the nickname "Sin City". In their latest effort to attract people, they've gone so far as to add swinging clubs as an outlet for adult entertainment. Then I remembered a small nude resort close to my home that holds itself out as only that, but it's ads regularly appear both online and in swinger's magazines as something more than just a place to take off your clothes and romp around. To top it off, a friend of mine took a recent trip to Hedonism III, a Jamaican resort where anything goes, and by the looks of the photos she took, it does. All of this and a respected journal I read from time to time, which also dealt with the topic, and here I am today writing meeting swingers online and taking it to the real world.
It's hard to know if the times are changing and the free spirited lovefest of the 1960's is returning, but I have noticed the club I belong to as many members, singles and couples, that are of the baby-boomer generation. It surprised me because I would have thought there would be discrimination regarding age in swinging in one sense-who wants some fat old bald guy or a woman that hit her prime 30 years ago-but in a very real sense, there isn't. All that really means is it doesn't matter your age, body type or interests, there are some people that won't have any interest in you and others that will. For any of the baby-boomer crowd that believes age may be a limiting factor, a little quote from a now famous movie actor when he was just making his way on a popular television show several years back is more interesting now than before:
"Those little lines around your mouth, those crow's feet around your eyes, the millimeter your derriere has slipped in the last decade-they're just nature's way of telling you you've got nine holes left to play, so get out there and have a good time!"
This deep philosophical insight comes from the character of David in 'Moonlighting' in case you're wondering.
If I was a single male, which can mean married or single but swinging alone, I'd be pretty much doomed in the world of swinging, online or off. Couples and single females appear to have more success than a man trying to make it in what some call an alternative lifestyle. The number of ads for single men and couples runs about even and there appears to be very few single females. Men appear more aggressive in trying to meet people despite the percentages of success. I guess men just don't give up easily. As far as it being an alternative lifestyle, the site I joined can bring people up by distance in miles from my home and the number of people in my fairly small community that engage in swinging seemed astronomical. Not only that, but for an alternative lifestyle, one site boasts more than five million members and the one I joined has more than 400,000. These are only two sites, and while some people may belong to more than one, there are tons of them all within the click of a mouse.
Before joining, we engaged in this type of activity a handful of times. Now, if we were so inclined, the opportunities would be limitless. Is it really an alternative lifestyle with so many people involved. The respected journal I looked at indicated swinging is on the rise, but still referred to it as such and I guess I'm in no position to argue the point so it may be correct. Still, one has to wonder just how prevalent it is based on the number of sites and total members. The site boasting five million members also makes a reference to 10,000,000, but the extra folks I guess are just looking for anything from casual dating to a serious, long-term relationships leading to marriage.
How does one get started? Well, there are magazines devoted to the lifestyle and that was probably the traditional way. Apparently a recent court ruling made it more difficult for these magazines to thrive as far as restricting the placement of photographs in ads. Strict identification for purposes of age is generally required. Online, those restrictions don't seem to apply, especially those depicting sexual acts. Many people do post photographs, some very tasteful and others downright nasty. Still, although we don't have a photo with our biography, we could and there are no rules. There are also clubs you can join dedicated to swingers only, but the Internet offers something the clubs don't, at least initially.
Online you can keep yourself as private and anonymous as you want. Some people use their first names or just initials. Some of the ads, the more successful ones, have photos. But, the photos are almost always faceless, either by distortion or just simply have the face cropped out of the picture. I guess it would be pretty embarrassing if your boss, sister, brother, or parents saw your picture, but then what the hell are they doing there in the first place!
Which sites are best? That's hard to answer, but comparing our site to others, it can probably be answered to an extent. See if the site has rules "of engagement" so to speak. Can you report an abuser? How do you they keep you anonymous? The list of questions is limitless, but look for the answer. Even the name of the site for online swinging can be a giveaway. If it has "wife-swapping" in it's name or description, it probably isn't worth the time and trouble. All you can do is browse for free to find out and it seems the more legitimate ones do offer that option. If you have to pay upfront, there's no address or telephone number for further contact or a bunch of nude pictures pop up on the homepage, it would be best to steer clear of it. If the opposite is true then the assumption can be made the site is more discreet and responsible. By the way, be wary of free offers. The site boasting 5,000,000 plus members offers, like most do, a free 30 day trial period, but the options are so limited you either pay to join or miss just about everything it has to offer. An email asking for an explanation received a terse response that by "upgrading", their way of saying "pay us money", you can enjoy the benefits of the other members. No thanks!
The one we joined almost looks like Literotica when you get into it. It has email notification when you receive a response. It has a bulletin board where you can post questions or comments, or you can just simply contact members. It even has a story section, a list of rules, suggestions and tips, upcoming events and parties and the list goes on and on. You can email through the site and receive responses the same way. Actually, the email system within the sit e is much more sophisticated than that but it has nothing to do with swinging, at least for the most part. Heck, it was through the system though that I asked people questions I had like, "What does 'socially bi' mean?"
The most important thing to know are the rules of etiquette and terminology of swinging. The rules are simple but the definitions used are not always easy to understand. Rule number one: No means no! There is a corollary to this, be open and honest. If a couple says they want no single males, then don't contact them if you're a single male. If they say no one over 40 years old and you're 45, don't waste their time and risk having yourself thrown off the site. Of course, this means don't lie about yourself as to what you're looking for, your age, or your appearance. You just might meet one of these folks someday and a site that cares about it's members will probably throw you off. There seems to be a pretty low tolerance for abuse. I probably came close by asking questions, but I always prefaced those admitting my "newbie" status with an apology for bugging someone. All the people I contacted were helpful though. There are other rules, but all really revolve around honesty. Honesty is one thing, stupidity is another and I guess you don't get penalized for that. I accidentally put down the female half was not interested in anyone OVER 30 when I meant something along the opposite lines. I guess because she looks so damn good, just the physical written description generated a lot of interest from younger guys and couples. She couldn't figure it out and I just discovered it and made the correction. Hell, for me, I'll still take someone under 30 any day-just hand me the Viagra, honey!
If you browse the profiles, you'll find people tend to follow the rules. In the bio section, which is pretty detailed on the site referred to us, you can learn quite a bit about the people you may be interested in. Even in the ads without photos, many of the people seem to be truthful. Height and weight seems to be a pretty good indication of this. You're first thought would be not many people looking for a sexual encounter with another person or couple are going to say they're 40 pounds overweight, at least common sense would indicate that. But, they are out there, sometimes with pictures.
Besides, it's not always about sex with other people. It could just be with your partner. Soft swinging seems to have a couple definitions the best I can tell, but they both end the same. It can be the simple act of engaging in a sexual act with your partner only in the presence of another couple or person to heavy foreplay with another person but returning to your partner for the climatic final act. This is opposed to a full swap which then can be open or closed. A trading of partners for the finale in the presence of your partner, ie. open, while a full swap outside the presence of your partner is closed. Pretty simple but important to know unless you want to meet someone that doesn't share your interests.
Swinging, online and off, is supposed to be about fun and nothing more. The literature seems to suggest it can enhance a healthy relationship and destroy one that is in turmoil to begin with. It seems to be recommended you, as a couple, always remember that your partner is first and foremost in your life. If you're looking for emotional ties with other people, that seems to be the exception rather than the rule. It is almost a form of foreplay for a couple, or can be. Something new and exciting that can enhance a relationship. Of course, that only works when the relationship is solid, there is great communication and trust. As stated, not by me but by experts, the opposite spells doom and destruction for a couple.
Communication means with your partner as well as the other couple or person. It may be best to have a code word with your partner that everything is okay and can proceed or not, but honesty with the other people involved is a must. A gentleman we met in another state, certainly more seasoned than us, after talking for awhile with us, excused himself to go the restroom to give us a chance to talk about him outside of his presence. It was a gracious act on his part, but as it turns out, it wasn't necessary. The bio asks what you would do if things just didn't seem like they would click and 99.99%(there was probably an exception somewhere but I couldn't find it) prefer, and expect, honesty. I suspect he sensed we weren't sure how to handle things and gave us an opportunity to do it our way when we should have been able to say yes or no without him taking a potty break. I can't say how often rejection happens, but there are ways to lessen it from happening.
If you meet a couple or single person, it doesn't have to be in a motel room the first time although it can be under certain circumstances. Start with emails, maybe get a picture if one isn't posted and then proceed to telephone calls. A meeting later in a neutral place for coffee or drinks can follow, if you get past the calls, with no expectations on either side can be arranged. While there may be no emotional involvement, it doesn't mean you can't like the person(s) and more likely it would be helpful if you did. And, it's not a race to see how fast you can hop in the sack. It's more of a journey as best I can tell and the first meeting need be nothing more than coffee and chat with a second meeting for another time if all agree. However, I suspect most people aren't going to enjoy your company enough to go out for coffee 20 or 30 times with nothing more. That's what your significant other is for-just kidding!
Then what? Well, that's where the communication with your partner comes in again. You have to know your limits and discuss every possible scenario that could happen and how you'll respond. For example, what if I'm having fun and she's not? There are different ways to handle this. I suspect for us, and maybe many people, the best way is to get out right then. If you're both not comfortable with a situation, it's not going to be worth it. Always remember the person you came with is the person you're going to leave with. You don't want to screw that one up just to screw another person.
Again, you don't have to. My respected journal suggests beginning in a club or party atmosphere and remaining with your partner the first time can be a good way to start. According to it, watching and listening to others having sex can in and of itself provide a sexual enhancement for you and your partner when you're ready to get it on with each other. You know, one of the soft swing things. Then again, there probably is no such thing as moving too quickly though, IF, there is communication and trust by all involved.
Communication will thwart the number one problem most couples will have-jealousy. If you know your limitations as a couple beforehand and respect those, you can deal with feelings and avoid misunderstandings. If you're a guy, it's more likely people are going to pay more attention to the female half, at least that seems to be the suggestion in everything I've read. So guy, can you handle the rejection you receive and accept the attention she gets? If not, don't go. Jealousy results from insecurity, but through reassurance to each other, both while engaging in swinging and during "real" life, it shouldn't happen. It was always my belief there couldn't be jealousy where love existed but that reassurance needs to be one of constantly letting the other person in your life know through words and deeds you love them and only them, and again, not only when swinging, but all the time. Remember, swinging isn't about the love you feel for each other, nor does it involve a love for the other person or persons. It is supposed to be about doing something different and having fun only.
Who will you meet? Just about every type of person out there. Some will be older, in their sixties, some in their twenties, and all ages in between. They'll come from all walks of life, professions and each will have his or her own story, which can be fascinating in and of itself. Some will look like models and some will be downright ugly according to your standards. Some of the women will be like those in an erotic couplings story on this site; 5-7, 120 pounds, long reddish-blonde hair, perky breasts, long, athletic legs, etc.(man, that sounds like my better half) and others will be 5-4, 212 pounds, etc.(and that sounds like...well, never mind). Regardless, they're all people with feelings so treat them with respect. It's not the time to contact them to let him or her know the last time you saw someone that looked like that they were being fed peanuts at the zoo. If the person is not your cup of tea, move on to the next profile.
So, you can join an online site and just fool around on it. Don't lead people on of course, but check it out for free. You'll get messages and etiquette means responding even if it's to say, "Sorry, not interested." Actually, the site I joined allows for some automatic, canned responses for those that are just too popular to personally respond to each person interested. Someday, maybe I'll get to use that feature.
Which is the best way to explore this if you're interested. Well, at a club or party you're already there and people are doing whatever they're doing and you can get caught up in things. There's probably little opportunity to get to know other people on any kind of personal level at a party or club. On the Internet, at first, there's less chance but following up by phone and a meeting, cyberspace can be a good start and provides, a safer, I suspect, way to begin. No names, addresses, phone numbers, or even email addresses on the site we joined, unless you want to give them out later. It doesn't really matter, and remember, it's all about safety; your safety and that of your partner if you're doing this as a couple.
It can all sound pretty exciting and apparently many couples do report it improves their own sex lives. But as mentioned, if your relationship is in the shitter to begin with, then it has to be believed it would be destructive. It should enhance your relationship, not replace or annihilate it. So if you try it, know your limits, talk if you have partner and respect him or her and have fun with it.
By the way, "socially bi"-I'm still not completely sure what it means. The best I can tell is it's a person, generally a woman, that will engage in bisexual behavior with the right person but doesn't seek it out. Can men be socially bi? Sure, they just don't seem to advertise it if they are but sometimes there are clues in the bios.
So, if it sounds like something you'd be interested in, even if you're on the back nine, it's time to dust off those tie-dyed shirts, bell bottoms, Nehru jackets, Jackie-O dresses and sandals and get out there and play!
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